A Badge of Honor or a Personal Failure?
During one of the leadership development programs I facilitate, we brought in C-Suite executives to share their wisdom with a group of high potential women professionals. One of the leaders on the panel, the CEO of a small financial services company, talked about failure. From his observations over 40 years in the workplace, he watched men view failure as a “badge of honor” versus women who took the setback personally.This idea of men viewing a setback as a “badge” triggered an AHA moment for me. From my own experience and my work with hundreds of women professionals, I have observed that women tend to view their identity as tied to every win or loss. So, a setback for women becomes a personal failure. What if we could learn from men and reframe how we think about setbacks? Let me offer my story and a strategy for facilitating a quicker rebound, which involved what I learned from key people in my network.My story begins with the Great Recession. As consulting and coaching assignments were drying up, I got offered an assignment to start up a leadership center in the microfinance industry. I knew nothing about microfinance, but I had just published my book about women and leadership and thought this would be a great opportunity to give back and help a much wider and global audience. Plus, I love a startup! My gut reaction when I interviewed with people who worked at this NGO (non-government organization) was that something didn’t feel right. I did a little research and tried to learn something about the current leader and the organization but didn’t find much. However, the team that I was to manage seemed terrific and I was ready to take on a new challenge. Maybe I could assuage my Catholic guilt and help the world, given that I have not stepped inside a church in 20 years. Could I take the risk of potentially building something great for a year? I closed down my business except for a few clients and began creating a new future.Well, I found out it is not as easy as it seems to assuage Catholic guilt. Unfortunately, I left the center due to major disagreements with the NGO after one year. I took it as a painful loss and it felt like a personal failure. But what I found interesting was how men and women reacted when I told them about my setback.My first call was to two personal friends: one was a woman who invited me over to dinner to console me and the second was to another woman friend and her husband – who said good riddance!Her husband kept telling me – that organization was a nightmare! Welcome back!
One of my first client calls was to a senior executive we will call Pierre at a finance company, who had been a steady client. He thought the microfinance experience was a good move for my career in order to broaden my international experience. When I told him that it didn’t work out and I was coming back to coaching and consulting, he was thrilled. He said, “Good for you for taking the risk. Sorry it didn’t work out but welcome back. We will have more work for you. Just let me know what you are interested in doing.”
I was stunned. As I continued to work with Pierre, I could perceive that he saw me as more valuable than before because he now regarded me someone who is willing to fail. Also, I was encouraged by another male friend who said, remember, you do teach risk taking – so now you have a story to tell!
The conversations with my male friends and clients helped me realize that if you never take a risk, as Jamie Dimon, CEO of JP Morgan Chase, would say, then you haven’t really done anything interesting. As I continue to coach both men and women, I see how fearful most people are of failing. My new strategy is to view setbacks more like the former competitive tennis player that I used to be. If I am not losing every so often, I am not stretching myself enough. The key lesson in expediting your rebound from setbacks is to be strategic and mindful of who you call during and after a setback. I am grateful for my network to moving me towards viewing losing as a badge of honor.Game on! I challenge you to examine your own beliefs regarding risk and losing. What are you discovering? Who do you know who has a similar (or different) view? I encourage you to reach out to others who have views different from yours. Enjoy the learning!