The Gift To Give YOURSELF This Year

As a recovering perfectionist, I always felt you had to earn self-love.  What I have come to realize is that I had it all backward. 

In Oprah’s recent article in O Quarterly magazine*, her father (recently deceased) reminds her of when she would confidently state to everyone that she was “going to be a millionaire and own a house on a hill”.  And as Oprah enjoys her house on a hill in Maui she adds, “We become what we believe… we have to occasionally slow down enough to check in on what we’ve learned along the way.” 

That is the gift that we all need to give ourselves—to reflect and check in with ourselves and see if we are on the right path. To ask ourselves: Are we living our best life? Or taking steps towards that life?

The challenge I have seen with many of my clients—and even for myself—is that as women, people of color, or those with diverse perspectives, we notice that our views are typically different than the majority—unconventional and, oftentimes, undervalued. Because of this, we often feel less valuable.  

A recent conversation with a client reminded me of this all too common scenario. This client, who we’ll call “Susan”, is a scientist working in a large laboratory with predominantly male colleagues. Through tears, she told me of how she has struggled to connect and make friends at the lab. Most of the men talk about their favorite sports teams or their own athletic pursuits, none of which interests her. 

While she finds some intrigue in tennis, she has never actively participated.  No one asks her questions about what she does outside of work. To make matters worse, she explained that she feels her approach to life: involvement in a wide variety of activities such as cooking, traveling, martial arts, and needlepoint to name a few, seems less than advantageous. Because she has never pursued a singular interest, “could there be something wrong with me?”

She shared that she avoids cooking the same meal twice as an example of some kind of personality flaw. This hurt me to hear. 

We need to learn to trust and listen to ourselves over the voice of others or, worse, the inner voice that developed because of others.

Having worked in the male-dominated environment of investment banking, I learned that there are two approaches to connecting with others—especially with your male colleagues.

One is to become a sports fan of those teams that most of your colleagues follow. The second is to follow your own interests and share them with others—whether or not they also participate in those pursuits.

I chose the second option.  

I witnessed many women become very knowledgeable about sports teams, the players, and how teams fared in the competitive race to the playoffs. Many of these women were not athletes and would never have developed this interest if not for working with a lot of men.

When I asked these women why they chose this approach, most said it was the easiest way to build relationships in the work environment. I thought it was admirable—yet completely unacceptable to me. I could not imagine faking my interest and engaging in conversations about sports teams in which I had very little interest. 

In contrast, my preferred approach was similar to an old Revlon advertisement, “How to be Unforgettable!”  I decided that my pursuits would be, if nothing else, memorable.

A female mentor convinced me to create a few stories about myself and my experiences to share with others. I was a bit nervous to do this because my colleagues in investment banking seemed to value perfection and “big accomplishments.” Many attended Ivy League Universities, a far cry from where I went to college. How could I relate?

My mentor was convinced that if I could get comfortable with sharing these personal stories, it would create a bond with others. 

Much to my surprise, she was right. 

I developed stories about how I received a job offer at Goldman Sachs because I had been a top-ranked amateur tennis player and a Phi Beta Kappa graduate from St. Lawrence, and worked with Juvenile delinquents. Most everyone agreed that if I could deal with juvenile delinquents, I would be able to deal with investment bankers and traders.  I was slightly embarrassed by the work with juvenile delinquents—it seemed so imperfect—yet it was this experience that made me memorable. 

I recently told this story to a group of women who were attempting to transition back to the working world after taking time off to care for their children or their elderly parents. I saw a woman several weeks later at another event who shared how she found my journey unique and memorable. This led to an authentic and compelling conversation that we would not have had otherwise. I am still amazed that my story (of a job that I wished I never had) continues to bring smiles and leads to fascinating, bonding conversations.  

As we head into the holiday season and reflect back on this year, carve out some time to contemplate a few questions:  

• What was that one really amazing day when you felt energized and joyful? Why?  

• What did you accomplish this year that you are really proud of?  

• What is a mistake you made that you don’t want to make again?  What have you learned? 

• What was the best compliment(s) you have received? From whom and why are they special?

Write these down and add some of your own. Tell your story! 

If nothing else, listen to that little voice inside that says, “Why not lie down in a sea of white plastic balls?” Yes, I chose to do something very silly while shopping in a mall. My husband thought I was insane, but making snow angels made me giggle which made this day memorable. 

I wish you all a happy holiday season where you appreciate and enjoy yourself, and have as many giggles as you can handle!

* (Article referenced can be found in O Quarterly magazine, 2022 volume 2, number 4 Live your Best life)