Summertime is a perfect time to re-evaluate your relationship with hitting the Pause button…

My relationship with pausing has always been uncomfortable.

In my late twenties, when I was still competing as an amateur tennis player, I heard Jim Loehr speak. At the time, he was one of the early sports psychologists.

He studied professional tennis players and found that those who took the 20 seconds between the points to reflect, let go, and get ready for the next point were more relaxed and played better.

I started experimenting with different techniques to pause during matches especially when I wasn’t playing well or winning. While I found Jim’s simple methodology very helpful, I still felt there was something wrong or weak about me that I even needed to pause. This was the 1990s and none of the great tennis players such as Pete Sampras or Steffi Graff were talking about pausing between the points!

Then I joined Toastmasters, the self-paced public speaking course, to help manage my nerves when delivering presentations. Fellow Toastmasters gave me feedback that I needed to pause when I didn’t know what to say or I forgot where I was going. Again, I hated staring at an audience. I still dislike any long, virtual dead space during Zoom meetings. I count to seven as fast as possible and start talking!

Now, 30 years later I can laugh at my “blonde moments” when I forget something and I take time between points in a tennis game and don’t feel that I am psychologically weak. Both of these tiny habits to pause even for a few seconds were not simple to implement.

As I am attempting to improve my coaching skills my mentor coach is telling me to pause more. Obviously, this “pausing” thing just won’t go away! She has listened to my coaching tapes and noted that there were not many pauses. Which means that I am doing more of the heavy lifting. When there seems to be a lull in the conversation, I will ask another question or make an observation or statement instead of allowing for silence. As my mentor coach explains, that silence allows for the person to deeply listen, reflect or integrate what has been learned.

Now I am thinking how can I get more comfortable with the pause?

Obviously, there must be something blocking me. I start asking myself more questions. What makes pausing so uncomfortable? What is the underlying story that I am telling myself? Is it that I believe am not that smart because I can’t remember what to say in the middle of a speech before an audience of 500 people? Is it that I don’t trust the other person who I am coaching to figure things out? Is it that I don’t feel worthy if I am not fixing everything? Is that my job to fix everyone? Appear all knowledgeable?

What helped me gain insight into myself was a coaching conversation with a senior executive client. This client who I will call Janice shared that she had moved too fast in making a public statement in response to the Supreme court ruling on Roe V Wade. Upon reflection, Janice realized that her instinct was to please people which resulted in a statement that wasn’t direct nor strong enough. It is not that her first instinct was the problem, it is that she acted on it. Janice’s fear was that she might annoy or upset some people. But, when she went for a long walk and reflected on her handling of the situation, she realized that attempting to please everyone resulted in publishing an unclear message that frustrated many people.

Once she paused long enough to see things more clearly, Janice realized that she equated responding quickly with competence. Her old internal story was that pausing could make others see her as not hard-working or on top of things.

As we challenged the legitimacy of her old story, Janice realized that there was no factual basis. This awareness led her to revise the original response to Roe v Wade and make it more direct and forceful. Much to her surprise and delight this powerful statement was overwhelmingly more positively received albeit it did upset a few people. Janice was pleased with the results of her ability to pause, revise course, and listen to her gut or as she saw it—her wisdom. Janice’s courage and use of the pause really inspired me.

I could see some of Janice in myself in that I equated responding quickly with competence and intelligence. But what is needed now with my coaching clients is space to allow them to tap into their own wisdom. This means that I don’t have to have all of the answers or fix everything. As I have been pausing more, I notice that clients are coming to their own realizations in their own time. I finally feel more comfortable pausing during coaching conversations, virtual seminars, and tennis matches. I no longer feel the need to apologize and am even encouraging people to take their time.

This newfound relationship with the pause feels life changing. It feels much lighter whereby I can allow space for other things other than fixing… When I was on vacation recently, I was walking in the Wild Center in Tupper Lake, NY in the Adirondacks. The walk was in an area where there was gorgeous classical music being played and sculptures by the artist Barney Bellinger. The artist’s quote grabbed my attention.

“Be curious. Be original. Be unpredictable. Most of all – get out and find inspiration -it’s everywhere.” Barney Bellinger

I thought if I paused more often, I may be surprised that I can see and find inspiration everywhere. This seems like a much better way to live… it may even make more time for ice cream.