Finding Peace in a Toxic Situation

I still have a vivid memory – from over twenty years ago – of my boss who was a bully and a workaholic. He regularly called me at all hours – midnight and on weekends. I started to become extremely anxious, losing sleep and my appetite. I was in counseling and my therapist said, “Only stay at the job as long as your self-esteem is not negatively impacted. Once you start to doubt yourself, you need to leave.”

I have never forgotten that advice. Luckily, I got a new jobwithin a few months, but this was back when I was young (and cheap!). This isnot the case for many people. Most of my clients have invested many yearssometimes a decade or longer, which makes jumping ship seem scary and difficult.When – and how – do you decide that enough is enough? 

A third of my clients have uninspiring work situations which can involve toxic bosses or unmotivated teams. They react like I did back then – feeling anxious and resigned/resentful, losing sleep, and starting to doubt themselves. Some of my clients look for other jobs and others work with me to coach them on resilience, confidence at handling difficult conversations, and on how to get their MOJO back. But I think they are all looking for is some peace and a good night’s sleep.

How tomove towards peace?

Why is peace so important? According to researchers, when you’reexperiencing a negative emotion such as “I want to kill my boss” or “I want to lighta fire under my team’s chairs,” the possible solutions that are available toyou tend to be much more limited than if you have positive emotions. And, whilevisualizing your entire team jumping out of their hot chairs might put a smile onyour face, it will probably keep you fixated on the fact that you have tried tomotivate them and failed, so you become resigned and/or resentful. Thisnegative cycle is something my clients (and I) have been caught in. I learned asurprising lesson while skiing that has helped me and my clients break thiscycle.

Go on a Sensation Hunt

It was a snowy day in the Catskills – whichthese days is a rarity. I started to panic as I am used to skiing groomed snowor East Coast ice, not fresh powder. Luckily, I was attending the Fear Clinicrun by Mermer Blakslee, an expert on fear and the author of one of my favoritebooks, A Conversation With Fear.

Mermer encouraged us to play with “sensation hunts.” Instead of thinking, “I want to ski on groomed trails,”try to feel the snow under your skies. Notice how the textures: the softness, the bumps, and the fluffiness of the flakes. Surrender to the moment and let go of control.

As a perfectionist, letting go is scary. But I soon realized that panicking was not helping me ski better. I stopped, took a breath and felt compassion for myself as I acknowledged my fear and lack of comfort.

I slowed down, took my time, looked around at the white blanket all around me, and attempted to listen and feel the snow. I start acting like a ten-year-old child sticking out my tongue and catching snowflakes. My skiing isn’t pretty, but I realize that I have more ability than I give myself credit for. I can ski in these conditions if I stay in the moment and keep looking for the beauty around me.

My playful sensation hunt calmed me down andlightened me up. I found my ski legs and enjoyed the moment. After returning towork, I thought I wonder if my clients could try this at work? 

Go on an Inspiration Hunt

My client, “Stevie,” was struggling to inspireher large team full of Millennials. She’s a 53-year-old, senior level ManagingDirector at a small global financial services firm that focuses on managingpensions. She felt burned out and wanted her MOJO back. After years in the roughand tumble investment banking and consulting industries, she chose this smallerfirm because it was friendlier and moved at a slightly slower pace. She wantedto enjoy time with her family rather than working 80+ hours a week, but stillwanted to achieve big things. She felt that she and her team were not on thesame page.

When I asked her about the situation, Steviesaid she assumed that her hard work should inspire her team, but that wasn’tworking. When I asked her what inspired her, she realized she didn’t know. 

I asked Stevie to go on an inspiration hunt. Iasked her to reflect on these questions:

• What inspires you?
• What enlivens you?

I encouraged her to think about small things, likea random act of kindness, a delicious meal, or taking a walk in the woods. WhatStevie realized was that she is stimulated by aiming big, excellence. She was aformer college athlete who enjoyed striving to improve. She understood that shehad become resigned and was not only aiming for mediocrity. This was an “a-hamoment” similar to my experience on the snow. She was getting annoyed atherself and her team on a regular basis. She needed to refocus herself.

I noticed that Stevie talked fast and rarelysmiled. We did a brief deep breathing exercise. I asked her to sit up in herchair, get comfortable, close her eyes, take five slow deep breaths, and justsee how this felt. This helped Stevie slow down and center herself. She startedpracticing deep breathing on a regular basis. This is no small step for aperfectionist, to let go of control and allow yourself to be present. This ledStevie to realize that she needed more exercise. She started walking to andfrom meetings in another office which made her to feel energized.

Then I asked Stevie if we could start withsomething small that might inspire her at work.

One of her pet peeves was that her staff woulddress casually when they were pitching new business. As a small firm competingagainst the big banks who always seemed to come across more professionally, shefelt dress was important. Stevie wanted every possible advantage. She decidedto call a meeting before a crucial sales pitch and explain to her team whywearing a suit and was important. Much to Stevie’s surprise, her message wasfairly well received. While people might not have been jumping up and down,they came to the next sales meeting with suits and some even wore ties. Thiswas the beginning of Stevie moving towards a more positive mindset and a goodnight’s sleep.

But what if you are not in charge and arecaught working for a bad boss and you have a lot vested in the company?

FindingPeace with a toxic boss

One of my clients, “Sally,” is a managing director in a largeglobal organization where she has worked for a decade. She went for a promotionbut didn’t get it, and someone from outside was hired to lead the group. Hernew boss was not very friendly or forthcoming. The boss started “borrowing” oneof Sally’s’ staff without asking, and Sally was already under-resourced.

Sally started overworking, losing sleep, and becoming extremelyanxious. The project she had started from scratch – and successfully grown – wouldbe wrapping up at the end of the year. As we were exploring her options, shestarted asking, “What do I want from this place?”

As we dug deeper, she realized that she was fearful that she wouldnot find another job, and that she needed to stay at this company to validateherself. She had become resigned and a little resentful. I challenged her view– she was barely 40 years old and extremely marketable. The first step towards gettingsome sleep was acting to challenge her self-perception. This would require herto organize a small and strategic networking plan. I asked her to list a fewkey people she trusted (both inside and outside of the organization) and couldreach out to for mentoring and guidance. As she identified people, she realizedher network was small but robust. To prepare her for mentoring meetings, I askedher to list her key accomplishments and what made her most proud. Both of thesesmall steps helped her breathe easier and build her confidence and self- worth.

Decidingwhen is enough enough

In toxic situations, making peace with yourself rarely comeseasily. While there is no one answer, I always return to my experience with my oldboss – are you losing your self-esteem? Is it impacting your life/health in adetrimental manner? Check in with a friend or significant other. That can be avaluable first step.

Peace comes from the hard work: figuring out what you most valueand need, then making choices to move you closer to realizing them. Sometimes youmay not like the answers or may not be able to leave the job for some time. Thatis when I think of the sensation hunt in the snow. What small steps can youtake that can enliven you, relax you, and help you feel more positive?