My Cambodian Adventure
I shouldn't have brought the white purse, I thought to myself, as I looked at the gear of another couple who were also beginning this 2 week bike trip across Cambodia. They had backpacks with water bottles, granola bars, electrolyte tablets, hand sanitizer, walking sandals, sun visor, and sunscreen. A fellow female biker complimented me on my white purse and asked me how I got it to stay so white. I said I clean it with Windex. She seemed impressed and then, she complimented me on my matching blue shirt and socks. Given that we are about to start bicycling on dusty roads, everyone else is wearing khaki or black clothing, and I am starting to wonder why I left the 5 Star hotel in Siem Reap and let my husband talk me into this trip.I have been dying to see Angkor Wat, the largest religious moment in the world, but I began to question why do we have to be on bicycles in 90 degree heat? I love bicycle trips, having done many in Europe and South America; this trip however would be riding in a third world country with very poor roads, averaging over 25 miles a day, in extreme heat. Although it was outside my comfort zone, I like athletic challenges, so I thought why not?Being that my very practical husband got me into this mess, I ask him for help regarding how to survive. He gave me a mini backpack, as he brought a big one for both of us, not realizing that I needed one for myself too. I stuffed this tiny back pack with supplies for the day with this nagging feeling as a competitive athlete that I am ill prepared.We begin the ride to the Angkor Wat complex, built during 12th century by King Suryavarman II and was originally dedicated to the Hindu god, Vishnu. Our leader, Sun, helps us navigate early morning traffic in Siem Reap by using hand signals to attempt to slow down the hundreds of motorcycles, mopeds, tuk tuks, cars, trucks, motorized carts carrying everything from coconuts to small refrigerators to trucks carrying bags of rice, piles of dirt or other products. Magically, like Moses and the Red Sea, traffic moves around our small group of cyclers. After about a half-hour, we leave the main road and start riding on dirt and sand paths through the woods. With our mountain bikes, we begin riding on sand and I waver between laughing and annoyance at the struggle of slipping around. After another half-hour, I slip and fall, landing on the handlebars first and then the sand. My right bottom felt as though it got hit by a baseball. I shake it off, laugh at my clumsiness and ride again...with my internal voice starting to become doubtful as I've only been riding for an hour and already fallen down. What is next?Being a little more careful and with an aching huge bruise on my right butt now the size of a tennis ball, I am usually the last to arrive at group rest stops. I return to the hotel in pain and frustration of being that biker who everyone is always waiting for. My husband tells me to lighten up and forget about being last in the group.The second day, I woke up with a mildly upset stomach to a hot 90 degrees. I enjoy the morning ride but by afternoon, I am moving more slowly after our mini breaks. While we continue to explore several amazing temples, I usually finish last or second to last yet again, as the heat and my upset stomach begins to take its toll. My husband starts encouraging me to hurry up and I add my husband to the list of annoyances.During our final ride back to the hotel, we traverse through skinny wooded trails. As I am wobbling through the forest, a motorcycle with three young people approaches and I lose my balance to fall into them. They catch me and apologize profusely; I thank them as of course, I should have yielded. Finding out I have no new bruises, I smile at my good fortune and wobble onward to catch up with my group, who were waiting to hear the tales of my latest fall. I return to my hotel feeling like a pathetic biker. I share my feelings with my husband, who tells me I need to pay attention and attempt to start with the group earlier after breaks in order to not keep them waiting, or speak up if I need more time, or even get in the support van that follows our group of bikers. Again he says no one cares if I am last but that pisses me off! I tell him that I don't need his advice, rather I needed some compassion. We come to an agreement that I'll follow some of this advice and he will be more compassionate but I ask myself why can't I lighten up?Coincidently, I am reading this month's recommended reading, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin on the trip. There were two quotes that I recently read which gave me an "A-HA" moment.
Gretchen said, "Happiness takes energy and discipline."
G. K. Chesterton said, "It is easy to be heavy and hard to be light."
I realized that one of the dark sides of my competitive personality is I define myself by my accomplishments and I don't handle consistently coming in last place or appearing to take the easy way out, such as riding in the van instead of biking with the group. I have always prided myself on striving to be the best, bouncing back from mistakes, and being relatively tough. So, I asked myself can I have compassion for myself and make myself happier under duress? After reflecting on this question, I asked my husband if I was "heavy". He replied with a yes that I could be heavy at times - not the feedback I was looking for, as I think I am fairly playful in my regular life. However, after thinking about my husband's constructive feedback objectively, I realized that this trip offered me an opportunity to apply a more disciplined approach to happiness in less than ideal circumstances. My husband, who has a rather inappropriate sense of humor with the timing of a comedian, offered to be supportive and to help me stay lighter. I decided that I would let go of that athletic perfectionist approach to life and allow myself to enjoy being outside, take in the sights, get to know our fellow travelers, and accept that I might be the one bringing up the rear and riding in the van. Someone has to be last, why not me?The next day, I felt better but it was very hot - over 90 degrees. I enjoyed the morning ride until around 11 am, which is when the heat kicks in even higher and we got on to a very rocky and dusty road with a slight incline. I found myself starting to contemplate how I might take the next flight to Hong Kong or take revenge on my husband for suggesting this trip. What are we training for - Survivor? Therefore, I decided that I would make myself happy, which meant getting off my bike and into the air conditioned van, listening to music on my Ipod. I decided then that afternoon riding would not happen for me for the remainder of this trip. While the other bikers rode to the less famous Banteay Srei Temple, built in the 11th century with temples 15-20 feet high including exquisite carved stone reliefs unlike the Angkor Wat complex that comprised of very large temples over 200 feet high, I felt energized and explored the temples with a zip to my step -whereas the other cyclists complained of feeling hot and tired.Reading the Happiness Project and writing in my journal made me realize why this trip was pushing my buttons. As someone who had played tennis at the college level, I have struggled to expand my athletic self-definition from a more perfectionist fixed view of only do a sporting activity if you can do it at 100% and do it well. This perfectionist belief helped me become an excellent tennis player; but, it has been a challenge to move beyond being a highly ranked amateur because tennis was my main identity as a child and young adult. What I realized during this bike trip is that this fixed view was holding me prisoner from accepting myself as a mediocre tennis player and enjoying this trip. As Gretchen states, "Research shows that the more elements that make up your identity, the less threatening it is when any one element is threatened." This Cambodian adventure was challenging an old self-definition of how I must tough it out and not quit; otherwise, I'm perceived as a loser or wimp. This view still has a stronger hold on me more than I wanted to admit. Like a smoker who goes cold turkey, I decided to leave that fixed view of myself in Cambodia. I embraced the idea that I didn't need to be the macho athlete and could be the one who is focused on enjoying this vacation, which would mean only biking when it is fun and riding in the van as often as I wanted. This new expanded mindset allowed me to mostly enjoy the rest of the trip leaving me feeling refreshed and energized as I returned home. I now add happy warrior to my identity, which also led me to see my husband differently too. Instead of blaming him for getting me into this mess, I see him as a fellow adventurer who knows how to keep it light even during difficult times. I'm excited about future adventures with my newly expanded and more resilient sense of self. Where will my journey take me next?