The Tennis Player and the Rock Star
Self-awareness can be life-changing. As someone who is involved in facilitating a year-long leadership development programs, I continue to be reminded of the power of submersing yourself in a supportive learning environment. The surprises from expanded self-awareness are wide-ranging and can include improving your results as a competitive tennis player to realizing that you have been doing things right all along. The following are two stories which demonstrate how increased self-awareness in a supportive environment enhanced one woman's tennis game and made another woman feel like a newly minted rock star.There is a small segment during the monthly leadership programs which provides a platform for the women to share updates and challenges to the entire group. One woman who has been relatively quiet for the past nine months, who we will call Carla, speaks up and says she wants to share a personal story instead of a professional success. She begins by admitting to surprisingly feeling very proud of - even more so than a recent promotion - on how her increased self-awareness has helped her to almost beat a tennis rival.
Carla tells the story of how she plays on a tennis league and that for two consecutive months, she has had to fill in for the #1 player who has been absent. The first match she played she was destroyed 6-1 6-1 in less than an hour. She felt humiliated! Then, the second time she had to play the #1 spot, she had to play the same woman who destroyed her! Dreading at the thought of getting killed by this opponent again,she lost the first set easily 6-1. Feeling resignedto her fate, she thoughtwhat could she do if she doesn't want the same result? It dawned on herwhy not apply the idea from my leadership training, of practicing self-awareness. Replacing dread with her newfound realization of how her opponent appeared to have a weaker backhand than forehand, she tested she could hit more balls to the backhand. This new approach led her to win the second set 6-3! Although she lost 9-7 in the third set, Carla had a huge smile on her face as she shared how proud she felt to had been able to alter her game and almost win. She was amazed at how a simple observation and small change in her strategy could result in such a different outcome. As her confidence has been enhanced through her tennis results, it affected other aspects of her life including her now being more engaged in the leadership program. This is the fascinating thing about engaging in any kind of development program - you never know where it is going to take you...
At a seminar on conflict management that I facilitated recently, we were mid way through the day and a middle aged black woman with curly hair, a warm smile, and a lovely British accent, who I will call Regina, has not said a word. She seems like the type who is engaged in learning but rarely speaks up in a large group. We begin to review the Thomas Kilman instrument,a tool that indicates the frequency with which one practices various conflict approaches when faced with how to handle differences. Regina's warm smile turns to dismay as she reviews her results.
I define the five conflict approaches as: compete, collaborate, compromise, avoid, and accommodate, explaining their key strengths and weaknesses, and stressing that each style is useful in some situations and requires unique social skills. Then I ask the women to share which styles they use most often and when I ask for the accommodators - Regina slowly raises her hand in a resigned manner. The accommodators comprise the smallest number (3 out of 20) in this group of business women. I reiterate to the accommodate group that their approach can be viewed as a strategic mode if the person is consciously making deposits into people's emotional bank accounts by delegating, helping others, doing favors and allowing others to take the lead. For retrospect, I shared that I've been also working with a group of investment bankers who are all highly competitive men andtheir leader, needless to say, is trying to convince them to accommodate and collaborate more for the long-term success of the team. Regina's face went from rather sullen to bright and smiling.
Regina spoke up for the first time and shared that when she initially learned she was an accommodator, she felt that this was a disaster for a woman leader as it meant she must be too nice and a pushover. However, as she listened to me to others in the group, she realized that being an accommodator had its advantages. As she presented how she use her skills as an accommodator to systematically delegate work to her staff and help others in order to build a strong and loyal team, the entire room became quiet. I looked at Regina and declared to the entire room that she is a Rock Star because she understands how to strategically her approach the right way. When I asked the rest of the business women, who had been with Regina for the past nine months, if they had any idea how savvy Regina was, only two to three hands went up. The rest of the room was stunned. Regina like Carla, the tennis player and the rock star, both left smiling with a spike of newfound confidence. Never underestimate what the power of observation and self-awareness can do for you. I encourage you to just notice and wonder as this summer comes to an end. What awareness do you want to bring with you as we head into the fall?